There are a few things that have shaped me to be who I am today. Often people look at my current circumstances and think we have everything together and have the perfect life. They see wife, mother of 3, slammin business, outgoing, and probably little crazy. When you live a life through things like social media people only see you from one angle and that one angle can be very deceiving.
The reality is…. this momma is a hot mess of emotions and issues.
I told my husband this week, it took me 28 years of this perspective to be who I am, it is going to take a little time to overcome it.
So because we look so pretty, I am going to dirty it up a little for you. Show you some real Kelly.
- I struggle horribly with self hate. As a child, pre-teen, and teenager I was bullied horribly. I never was good enough for anyone else. I was hyper, loud, funny looking, and they hated me… So I hated me. 28 years of hate, that is a long time to not like yourself. I struggle with not liking anything I see in the mirror. I am either fat, ugly, funny looking, my eyes cross, my hair is thin, my hips are wide, my nose is big, you get the picture. I am thankful for mark who reminds me all the time that he loves me for me. It is hard to understand that he could love what I don’t, but I am thankful he does.
Speaking of mark…
- Though I married the perfect man, I always, always, always, worry that he will leave me. When I was just a little one my dad chose to leave my mom, sister, and I and moved away. He had a love for alcohol and did not share that same passion or love for his kids. When I became a mom my heart wrestled with how in the world a parent could leave their child. Though I talk about how amazing mark is and how thankful I am for him, it comes with great pain. I always wanted a dad who just loved me, and I am thankful my kids have that.
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I struggle with a crazy amount of anxiety. This stems from continuous self doubt that I am just not good enough. I always assume that people’s opinions of me are negative. That I am not smart enough (almost failed out of high school and struggled in school my whole life), that I am not worthy enough, that I will just never be quite good enough. If you were to ask me my strengths it would be a short list but I could easily tell you everything wrong with me.
HOT MESS, RIGHT?
Now, don’t feel the need to feel sorry for me, all three of these points are things I am working on daily. I want you to know, from the heart of a child, you words, your actions, and your acceptance matters. I would bet most of us could relate to fear, worthlessness, and self hate.
I am thankful for Gods perfect love and the family I have. But know this, I am far from perfection. I am a beautiful broken mess and every day is a new day to learn from that brokenness. Social media-0 Real Me- 1
I think it is very brave for you to share this. I can completely relate with what you have written, although I was lucky enough to not be bullied. But if that would have happened, I am not sure I could have made it through.
Many people tell me I should blog or write a book because they can’t believe the stories I tell thEM about my life and family. I am not ready for that yet because I am pretty sure most of my family will not talk to me after I share what had happened over the years. For some reason some of them are still in my life, negativity and all. One day I will share or at least write it all down. But for now, I will embrace the fact that I am not alone in these struggles of self hate and extreme anxiety masked by the image I would like to portray. Thank you for sharing Kelly and know that you are definitely not alone.